I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is not important. I know that there are people who have problems, real problems like gingivitis and adjustable rate mortgages. But I have to get this out of my system, so please bear with me.
Pizza Hut, I hate you. I know I should never order from a place with the word “hut” in it, but it was snowing last night and we had no food in the house. We had a little money reserved, and I wanted hot wings. Delivered.
Which part of “$15.99 Large Supreme Pizza Plus 10 Wings” do you not understand? Apparently, none of it, because here is what we got:
One rock hard, cold pizza completely devoid of sauce, a handful of veggies tossed around for color, and a few chunks of chicken. I swear to God, the crust had cinnamon in it. A lot of cinnamon. I hadn’t eaten anything for two days (since I’d been sick) so I did eat some, but then I spent most of the night studying the painting on the far wall of the bathroom, from my vantage point on the commode.
And why was the box poked full of holes? On the top, the bottom, the sides. It looked like Norman Bates had mistaken it for Janet Leigh. Listen up: someone with a large knife and a grudge against cardboard is working in your restaurant. I have photos here as evidence.
Invisible hot wings. Not a damned wing in sight, and that’s all I wanted. I did not want chicken-cinnamon pizza.
3 little bottles of Pepsi, because they were out of the two-liters.
All for the low, low price of $25.
I hate you.
I called the manager who said something meaningful, like, “Oh, sorry. You should never order online.” For some reason, this did not console me, so I clicked the “Contact Us” link on their website to do some griping. Apparently at Pizza Hut headquarters, they’ve figured out this brilliant way to keep their customer complaints to a minimum. They ask a bunch of questions, then you type your grievances into a comment box. When you click “send” to register your complaint, nothing happens. A message pops up which tells you to stop entering invalid characters. After trying for about 45 minutes, I realized that they consider letters of the alphabet invalid characters. So, I looked up their toll-free number and called the bastards.
A very nice girl listened to my tale of woe, and summoning all of her customer service training, empathized with me, and repeated my complaint back to me. “Ma’am, I’m so sorry that your order was wrong your pizza was cold and had no sauce and chicken on it and that you did not get your coupon. We’ll have a member of the team call you tomorrow.” I haven’t heard a word.
You know, if during that very first call, the manager had said something to the effect of, “Gosh, I’m sorry that this happened to you,” I might have forgotten the whole deal. But nooooo. Keep in mind that I was all emotional from being sick, I hadn’t eaten in quite a while, and this was a huge financial decision for us at this time in history. I’ve never cried over hot wings before, but since the food they delivered tasted like the cook may have been suffering from an LSD flashback, I did get really upset. If someone doesn’t call me soon, I’m contacting the big cheese, Mr. Hut, directly.
I know that this has been a bleak and depressing blog post, so to make it up to you, here is a very short video of the Pizza Hut Dancers. Maybe I should have ordered from New Delhi.
By the way, if you google “Pizza Hut sucks,” it returns 178,000 hits. Oh wait. When I hit the publish button on this post, it will be 178,001. Here we go….
Update: A very nice guy named Chad called me a little while ago. He apologized for the five day delay in getting back to me. Apparently, he’s an area manager and had some emergencies going on. Anyway, he gave us a $25 credit and a sincere sounding apology. He could not explain the holes in the box. The cinnamon taste was because they apparently cut our pizza with the same cutting implement that they use on their cinnamon sticks, the chicken was because they gave us the wrong order, and the winglessness was due to computer problems. Whew! Anyway, that’s the end of the story for now. Just wanted to let you know that I did hear back from them. I would rather have had a refund, but this is at least something.