All You Need is Love (Maxine, and a Good Martini)

Why oh why can’t the world be a simpler place? Why do so many people seem to have such a difficult time just being kind to one another? It seems to me that we human beings have a tendency to endlessly, needlessly complicate things. If you think about it, all you really need is love, a flattering haircut and an occasional martini (very dry and dirty, with three olives, preferably served by an extraordinarily good-looking waiter). I think that’s all in the Bible somewhere. Or on a Beatles album.

As I was pondering great words of wisdom passed down through the ages, I remembered this song from the seventies. It held great meaning for me when I was a teenager, and as I reflected on the lyrics this morning, I realized how timeless it truly is. This is wonderful advice for everyone, and I believe the world would be much improved if we incorporated at least some of it into our daily lives.

The Grandmother Song

Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbors,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don’t know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.

–Steve Martin, when he was funny.

If you’d like to hear the tune that accompanies these gorgeous lyrics , here you go:

Speaking of great advice, I received a belated Guest List from my wonderful friend Maxine, who was under the weather during Guest Post week. I hope you enjoy it. When I think of Maxine and his blog (one of the most hilarious on the planet), the descriptions that leap to mind are “politically correct” and “non-controversial.”

Oh wait– that’s someone else.


10. Call a member of the Junior League the “c” word to her face, then giggle innocently.

9. Invite several people to a dinner party and serve nothing but Stove Top Stuffing and white bread. Act as if this is perfectly normal.

8. Search flea markets high and low for a pink or avocado green toilet; buy said toilet; buy $50 of ugly plastic flowers at the Wal-Marts; in the dark of the night, place said toilet and plastic flowers in the middle of your best friend’s front yard as a planter. If time permits, set it in concrete, so no one steals it.

7. Buy a bottle of Nyquil; empty said bottle of NyQuil; refill said bottle of NyQuil with vodka and green food coloring and place in your purse. At your next social gathering, pull out the NyQuil and fill a champagne glass with the vodka and continue to sip, as if this, too is perfectly normal.

6. Randomly, throughout conversations with other people, break eye contact, look up at the sky and say, “Yes, Jesus, it shall be done,” then reconnect with their eyes as if nothing happened. Add a small twitch for special

5. Tell your child’s teacher to be extra-kind to him/her because the only reason he/she is in class is because you couldn’t find a coat hanger ___ number of years ago.

4. E-mail your city’s mayor to complain about all of the phallic symbolism in the parks department’s choice of playground equipment. Provide photos.

3. Ask telemarketers odd questions, like what color is his/her shirt? Does he/she like his/her mother? What’s his/her first memory?

2. Any time “Cops” comes on, yell as loud as you can, “Honey! Our episode of Cops is on!!!” This is especially useful in bars and restaurants.

1. Write your partner a love letter. Be sure to address it to someone else.

Dearest Maxine, you’re such a incurable romantic, yet practical too. Thank you for this sage wisdom. Your gentle nature and down-to-earth advice makes my world a better place, although it scares me to think that there’s not one thing on this list that you wouldn’t do (or haven’t done already).

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18 thoughts on “All You Need is Love (Maxine, and a Good Martini)

  1. Kaylee says:

    Love that post :) i am on now :P

  2. kaylee2 says:

    sorry tio worry ypu moonbeam but, something happened that i had to go last night :( I am still not doing well cause of it :(

  3. kaylee2 says:

    but i really wanna talk to you :)

  4. writerchick says:

    LOL – number one is hysterical.

  5. Red says:

    hahahaaa! Gotta love that Maxine ..

  6. randomyriad says:

    I am going to put this list on my fridge and check them off as I do them. Well maybe some of them. The Steve Martin is pure nonsense and genius that only he could make work back when we were getting small.

  7. @ Kaylee: I’m glad we got to talk. We will meet again tomorrow, same place, same channel!

    @ WC: I thought so too! I liked 3, 7 and 9 a lot too.

    @ Red: I do!

    @ RM: Please let me know how it goes with the list. I can’t imagine how many fights you will get into. You seem like such a gentle soul, so this will be interesting.

    I remember loving that album so much when I was a teenager. I loved his banjo playing too.

  8. Lumpy says:

    Freaky, I think we wrote about Steve Martin at the same time *bizarre*- check out the post I did. Now I just gotta go check out this Maxine character – the list had me in stitches. And, the video clip looks like a doozie, so I’m off to watch. p.s. STEVE MARTIN ROCKS ;)

  9. thegirlfromtheghetto says:

    OMG, Steven Martin was my favorite comedian back in the early days. I sang this song before. Taking me back!!

  10. Maxine says:

    Moonbeam, you have made my whole Sunday. And just think, before this, I was going to go bomb an anti-abortion clinic for giggles. You have just saved the lives of countless pro-lifers.

    I’m not sure what one does at an anti-abortion clinic – perhaps sit around and drink coffee and eat finger foods and not get an abortion.

    Oh, wait. That’s Alcoholics Anonymous. You’ll never catch me there.

    Anyhoo, glad you enjoyed the list, my beautiful friend. As the line goes, you know I love you more than my luggage!


  11. ~m says:

    Wonderful post, MB.
    Going to have to check out Maxine.
    Thanks for the Sunday morning smile . . .


  12. joanharvest says:

    Well, I got a good laugh in early today. I remember the good old days when Steve martin was hilarious. I have to go to Maxine’s blog. That list was wonderful and I plan on doing them all at least by next week. I can’t do 1,4,and 5 because they don’t apply to me. I don’t have a partner, a mayor or a child’s teacher. I will especially like # 7 and will do it at a party I am invited to in April.

  13. trishatruly says:

    You and that Maxine… brilliant!! I really enjoyed this post!!

    And you and I have the same taste in alcohol- dirty martinis are my favorite!

  14. @ Lumpy: That’s bizarre! We’re were having simultaneous flashbacks! Wow!
    The video’s not a video. It’s actually just the audio. Warning: I’d pee before visiting Maxine’s blog.

    @ Ghetto Girl: He was great!

    @ Maxine: This was hilarious, so thank you. I can’t imagine what they do at anti-abortion clinics– maybe it has something to do with bending coat hangers back to their original shape.

    I love you more than my luggage AND my bath towels.

    @ ~m: You’re most welcome– you’ve certainly given plenty of them to me. Note: See warning to Lumpy about Maxine’s blog.

    @ Joan: I hope that things work out at that party! Be sure to bring a designated driver.

    @ trisha: A friend and I used to have a standing engagement for what we called “Martini Mondays.” I miss those days.

    Glad you liked the post!

  15. [...] My Magnificent Moonbeam My magnificent friend, Moonbeam McQueen, has run a guest column of sorts that I wrote for her awhile back.  I thought a few of ya’ll might get a kick out of it.  Check it out by clicking here.  [...]

  16. 2lazydogs says:

    Oh…as always, I’m late to the party. What a fabulously entertaining post! That Maxine is sure to put a twinkle in everyone’s eye.

  17. @ 2lazydogs: Better late than never! I agree– he sure puts a twinkle in mine!

    Glad you stopped by!

  18. All U need is LOVE

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