The Ballad of Sid and Mary

One evening Sid and Mary,

Had a dreadful, nasty fight;

He called her a drunk and a skank and asked how

She could sleep with his childhood friend, Dwight.
And Mary told Sid she had done no such thing,

Though who’d blame her one bit if she did?

She hadn’t been touched in four solid months

And the fault lay squarely with Sid.
Sid said well maybe if Mary

Stopped scarfing down donuts and chips,

Then possibly he’d feel a sudden urge,

To put his hands back on her hips.
Then Mary said, “Sid you’re a total ass,

You care less about me than crappie or bass,

or boats or trucks or drinking beer–

You’ve got mommy issues, it’s perfectly clear.

Your bad taste in music just proves you’re a hick.

You can’t hold a job and you’re dumb as a brick.”
And Sid said, “Oh yeah? Well you’re loud and bipolar,

You’re needy and mean and a terrible bowler.

You smile at your friends, but then later talk trash

You’re petty and jealous, you’ve got a mustache.”
I couldn’t stop reading–I was just too engrossed,

They were broadcasting live via Facebook post!

It was all quite insane, it was simply absurd,

that I was made privy to such savage words.

I’d only met them twice at best,

(Sid “friended” me after a music fest).

But in their rage they shed all decorum,

And posted their fight in a public forum.
Strangers, acquaintances, family and friends,

Silently witnessed their vindictive end.

I was hoping they’d somehow patch things up,

(though I know that may sound strange),

but they settled their fight that terrible night,

with a simple status change.
Facebook complicates my life,

(It spurred me to write this bad poem),

I think of Sid’s truck and of Mary’s top lip,

And I hate it because I don’t know ‘em.

5 thoughts on “The Ballad of Sid and Mary

  1. wisejourney says:

    It astonishes me how freely some would choose to air there dirty laundry in public- saddens me I suppose. I like your bad poem!

    Thanks, WJ! I get astonished too. I seriously think there’s probably some as-of-yet unnamed malady that results from reading certain Facebook posts. For me, it can get downright depressing. I wonder if other people experience it.

  2. David says:

    Like so much of what one [over]hears in public, the same found on facebook is to be ignored. Call me crazy, but I find my ignore/engage ratio in general is too damned high. It’s a noisy effing world and I need lots of peace and quiet to maintain this state of semi-sanity.

    You’ve created this hilarious and tune-worthy verse from a god-awful public relationship train wreck. It’s some sort of miraculous emotional composting process where moonbeam creates fertile soil from garbage and poop!

    Remember, back in the olden days, when we all started blogging? Facebook was still a baby and Twitter had hardly uttered its first Tweet. We all followed each other, posted fairly regularly and there was this really nice flow. It was just the warmest, nicest experience. I know I sound older than dirt, but now, half the time, I feel blasted, and it’s mostly due to the addition of social media. It’s too much info for me to process, too many weeds to walk through before finding a daisy. I read my newsfeed through squinted eyes, trying to somehow filter out some of the poop. I have a tough time navigating, but I’m learning. So much of the time, it sounds as though everyone’s talking at once, and nobody’s listening. Of course this is all generalization, but I think you know what I mean. And I often think they should start installing breathalyzers on laptops, judging from some of the things people post! Whew!

  3. Pat . says:

    Call me a dinosaur – I am on FB, but I never use if I can help it – the whole setup seems manic to me.

    I’m a dino too. Maybe we should start something called Dinosaurbook. I agree about the manic. It kicks my ADD in something fierce.

  4. Brian says:

    Hahahaha! Love the poem; hate Facebook. I quit using it almost two years ago when I switched to Google Plus. I don’t know most of the people on there personally, so their status updates don’t bother me as much. Besides, most of it is just news links or funny pictures. I can deal with that much better than dealing with all the drama…

    I recently (accidentally) signed up for Google Plus too, but I don’t use it. Between that, Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest, my brain starts melting. I’ve been on Twitter for a while now, and I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of it. I need a technology personal trainer. I think you summed up Facebook–about 95% of it seems to be links and funny pictures. Even the Yahoo mail homepage drives me crazy. Sigh…

  5. Brian says:

    I get very overloaded with social networking too. I used Twitter for a little while, but mainly to follow celebrities that I like. I closed that account around the same time I quit using FacePlace. Pinterest never really did much for me.

    My blog feels like my little oasis from the rest of the crazy web. I don’t post as often as I’d like to, mainly because I’ve gotten too ADD to focus on putting a post together. Sigh.

    I’m trying to learn to love all of it (at least a little) because I know I’m supposed to. I know it can be useful, and maybe even a little fun. But I have to really be careful, because it can also be a brain overloading time waster. Plus, it takes me years to get up to snuff on how to use it all. I’m learning though.

    It’s so weird–I hung out with a new writing group the other night. They were poo-pooing blogging and talking about the importance of marketing work via social media, which they all seemed to be pretty savvy about. I felt kind of dyslexic during the conversation, since I tend to do the opposite. I agree with you–this is my oasis too.

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