nd on the Eighth Day, God created hormones, and every creature that roamed the land and swam beneath water trembled, and they were afraid.
“Damn straight, be afraid,” saith the Lord.
Unaware of what God had wrought, Adam and Eve frolicked happily amongst the lilies in Garden of Eden, until Eve got PMS and that whole apple and serpent thing happened because she couldn’t think clearly enough to make rational decisions. And lo, they were banished from the Garden and they wandered.
And Adam said unto Eve, “Behold, thou lookest as though thou art putting on a little weight.”
“Shut the hell up, Adam,” saith Eve, for she was bloating and cramping and anger dwelled within her heart. Then she began to bleed and she knew with all her soul that the Lord really had it in for her.
“Fashion ye tampons from the cotton in the fields,” saith the Lord. “And don’t forget to add a pull string.” Eve beggethed and pleadeth with God to ease her pain, and on the seventh day, her prayers were answered, for God was very busy, and it took a while to get to her request. A few thousand years later, He invented Midol, but by then she was dead and it did her no good.
“Be fruitful and multiply,” commanded the Lord unto Adam and to Eve. And so they fruited, which they found delightfully fun. The multiplying part, not so much.
Again, Eve prayed for God to ease her pain as she bore her offspring, and the Lord said, “No way. I’m still ticked off about the Tree of Knowledge deal.” And so it was that woman waited over 6000 years for a damned epidural.
Adam and Eve fruited more and multiplied more, as the Lord commanded. And Eve was glad. And then she was sad. Then glad again. Then homicidal. And then glad.
Adam looked upon the she-beast that he had donated a rib to create and asked “What the hell?” Then the Lord made beer and he was silent.
They begat more children who begat children, which one should not think about too much, for it is icky. But there was a lot of fruiting, for they had no television.
Then Adam gazed upon his wife, and asked “Why dost thou breast now sag? Why is thy hair now gray?”
And Eve said, “Nice beer gut, dude. ”
In the darkness of her room, Eve cried, for she knew the words her husband spake were true. And in the light of day she also cried, and in the morning when she arose, and as the sun shone above her head and when it lowered, and when the moon glowed high from the heavens and also when it rained. For Eve was menopausal, and the shit was hitting the fan.
And the Lord visited Eve and said, “Listen. I was just sort of making all this up as I went along. I’m sorry about the periods and the cramps and the pain of childbirth. I’m sorry about morning sickness and water weight gain and PMS. I’ve decided to turn the faucet off now. No more hormones shall course within thy body. No eggs shall incubate within thy womb. Scout’s honor–no more bleeding and no more cramps.”
“But you’ve also removed my beauty, my youth, my sexual magnetism. You’ve diminished my love of fruiting, and I can no longer multiply,” said Eve.
“Oh,” saith the Lord. “Oops. Well, here, have some wisdom instead. And this pot roast recipe.”
And through her newly begotten wisdom, Eve realized that she was stronger than any man who walked the Earth and any plague visited upon a naughty people, for though she was a little on the puny side, she could endure PMS and menstrual cramps, labor pains, hot flashes and football season. And when He got around to it, God invented bioidentical hormones and chocolate, which really helped a lot.
And for the rest of her days, Eve was beloved by her children and grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren and their children after them, for people lived a really long time back then. And though she had changed, to Adam she was still pretty hot.
And it was good in the eyes of the Lord.
Update: Here’s a link to an audio version of “The Book of Fallopians.” You know, in case reading it yourself just wasn’t enough.