Perez Anonymous is a fellowship of gossip-hungry web surfers who suffer daily with the self-betrayal and loathing that we feel each time we visit Perez Hilton’s website. As we type the URL into our search window, and our fingers hover above the “Enter” key, we remember our PA motto—“Don’t DO it!!!!!!!!!!!!” In sharing our inner strength and willpower with each other, we strive to free ourselves of our addiction to a webmistress devoted to meanness, shallowness, immaturity and the latest celebrity news. Oh, and horrible spelling
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop visiting perezhilton.com. There are no dues or fees for PA membership, as we believe that you’ve paid your dues, especially if you’ve ever read or participated in the “Comments” section of his site. We do not discriminate or endorse (unlike the site) due to age, gender, national origin, size of nose or breasts, zits on faces, family ties, or whether we think that someone is a “yummy, yummy screw.” Our primary purpose is to stay semi-literate and to refuse to participate in random acts of maliciousness by choosing other gossip sites instead.
The Twelve Steps
1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction to Perez.
2. Came to believe that a webmaster (or mistress) greater than the “The Queen of All Media” could restore us to a saner search for celebrity news.
3. Made a decision to turn our desire for gossip to the care of an alternate, more literate website.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our bookmarked sites.
5. Admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our addiction—a site that steals content and photos from other sources, and is largely devoted to maliciousness, adds stupid little doodles, and incites readers to be shallow, mean and hypercritical.
6. Were entirely ready to have Google remove all these defects of character, by showing us alternative sites.
7. Humbly logged on to gossip sites that are devoid of juvenile drawings of pee, poop, and penises.
8. Made a mental note of the celebrities’ children who are attacked on PerezHilton.com, and realized that they are hapless victims of a shameless self-promoter who profits off of their existence by his mean-spiritedness.
9. Made amends to such people by boycotting the website.
10. Continued to opt for new sites, and when we were sucked back into the world of Perez, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through search engines and feeds to improve our conscious contact with better sites as we understood them, praying only for knowledge of celebrity scoop without malice, unless that site is The Gawker, or The Superficial, which are hilarious.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, and frankly, a little sick of Perez’s hypocrisy, illiteracy, and blabber about Beyonce’s armpits, we tried to carry this message to fellow gossipmongers and to practice these principles when thirsting for information regarding the rich and famous.