One evening Sid and Mary,
Had a dreadful, nasty fight;
He called her a drunk and a skank and asked how
She could sleep with his childhood friend, Dwight.
And Mary told Sid she had done no such thing,
Though who’d blame her one bit if she did?
She hadn’t been touched in four solid months
And the fault lay squarely with Sid.
Sid said well maybe if Mary
Stopped scarfing down donuts and chips,
Then possibly he’d feel a sudden urge,
To put his hands back on her hips.
Then Mary said, “Sid you’re a total ass,
You care less about me than crappie or bass,
or boats or trucks or drinking beer–
You’ve got mommy issues, it’s perfectly clear.
Your bad taste in music just proves you’re a hick.
You can’t hold a job and you’re dumb as a brick.”
And Sid said, “Oh yeah? Well you’re loud and bipolar,
You’re needy and mean and a terrible bowler.
You smile at your friends, but then later talk trash
You’re petty and jealous, you’ve got a mustache.”
I couldn’t stop reading–I was just too engrossed,
They were broadcasting live via Facebook post!
It was all quite insane, it was simply absurd,
that I was made privy to such savage words.
I’d only met them twice at best,
(Sid “friended” me after a music fest).
But in their rage they shed all decorum,
And posted their fight in a public forum.
Strangers, acquaintances, family and friends,
Silently witnessed their vindictive end.
I was hoping they’d somehow patch things up,
(though I know that may sound strange),
but they settled their fight that terrible night,
with a simple status change.
Facebook complicates my life,
(It spurred me to write this bad poem),
I think of Sid’s truck and of Mary’s top lip,
And I hate it because I don’t know ‘em.